disappointed din ako sa sarili ko. hindi ako ito. pero parang natatanggap ko na. na baka nga ganito na ako.

i shed a tear
when i forced myself to believe
that you did not feel the same

i shed a tear
when you did something
that put our friendship to shame

now recently
i shed a tear
because after all these years
you did think of me as someone dear
and i was right all along
but i guess it’s too late

i have this stupid desire
to fix broken people

because i understand them
(even if they claim that i don’t)

and i wish
that someone like me
would come along
and fix me
so I’ll feel like maybe,

i could be that person for them.

what happened to me this school year??? i mean, yes there are the awards.
i proved my self not only to myself, but to other people too, countless of times.

but what the FUCK actually happened to me?

i stepped in college pure as fuck.
that might be exaggerating, but it is true.
now the academic year ended with me longing for sex.

the academic year started with my face
all so shiny and shimmery
the academic year also ended with face
now with the darkest of eye-bags and a shit-ton of milia

the academic year started with me keeping my best friend
my oh-so-loved best friend who exposed me to the minds of the closed
and condemned me to the core of his bones
now the academic year ended with zero communication
even though he once was communication major

the academic year started with me single and ready to mingle
my doors were open for any kind of relationship
and when love happened, i told myself: “oh shit, this is it”
i was too hopeful and got too excited
and now that the academic year has ended
my relationships with people who are dear to me, ended too.

a lot of things happened to me this first year of college
now i just get to ask myself:
is it beneficial? or is it just detrimental?

i’m sad
that you’re sad
and there’s nothing i can do about it

/actually, pinasubmit lang kami sa Teatro ng break-up story, so I came up with this haha/

Mahirap kalaban ang hindi sigurado. Ang uncertainty. Kung sa umpisa pa lang naman ba, hindi ka na sigurado, pero bakit mo pa rin tinuloy? I thought you loved me. Well maybe you loved me, pero dahil sa ginawa ko lang yu’n. You loved me because of my actions, but not because of who I am.

May pinagdadaanan ka no’n, sobrang lala. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa bawat kwento, sa bawat detalye ng pinagdadaanan mo kasi nakikita ko na kung ako nasa posisyon mo, hindi ko rin ito makakaya. Pero ang tapang mo. Ang tatag mo. Ang talentado mo. Hindi ko kayang hindi supportahan ng magulang; hindi ko kayang i-maintain grades ko based sa expectations ng magulang mo tapos bubugbugin ako kapag mababa grades ko; hindi ko kaya mag-gig ng madaling araw tapos papasok ng maaga on the same day, tapos may rehearsals pa after class na aabutin ng gabi. Tangina ang tibay mo, and I was there for you nung unti-unti ka nang bumibigay. Naawa ako sa’yo no’n kahit alam kong ayaw mong kaawaan ka. At higit sa lahat, nandun ako para sa’yo. I loved you at your worst. Not only your worst, but I loved every aspect of you. Hanga ako sa’yo.

Naaalala ko pa nung magkatabi tayo non, nakahiga, nakatulala sa kisame ng kwarto ko. Alam ko na yung kwento mo pero nagugulat na lang ako kapag kinukwento mo siya ulit, mas nadadagan ang bawat detalye at mas hindi ko kinakaya ang mga naririnig ko hanggang sa napaiyak ka na lang sa tabi ko. Umiyak ka habang nagkatitigan tayo sa isa’t isa. Tila parang isang pelikula na hindi maiiwasan na may isang hahalik dun sa isa. At yun nga ang nangyari, nagulat ako hinalikan mo ako. May naramdaman na ako no’n sa’yo, hanggang sa isang araw tinanong mo ako kung mahal ba kita. Wala akong masabi no’n kasi natatakot akong magbitaw ng sagot kung hindi rin pala ganon ang nararamdaman mo. Pero mali ako; sabi mo mahal mo ako, at doon tayo nagsimula.

Pero bakit ganon? Lumipas lang mga ilang araw na masaya tayo, sinabi mo sa akin na alam na naman din nating matatapos din ‘to.
Na hindi natin mapapanindigan ‘to at we’ll move on with our lives. Sabi mo let’s cherish the time we have for each other. Let’s enjoy it while it lasts. Hindi naman pwede yo’n diba? Ano, tayo ngayon, pero fixed yung mindset na mawawala rin tayo? Hindi naman ganon ang pagmamahal sa pagkakaalam ko. Alam ko dapat ipaglalaban natin ang isat isa kahit gaano kahirap. Pero ako ‘tong si tanga na nangarap na magtatagal tayo. Na mapapanindigan natin ‘to. Ako ‘tong si tanga na sinabi sa sarili niya na “Alam mo, kaya kita ipaglaban eh. Kaya ko ito sabihin sa magulang ko kahit alam kong hindi nila ako matatanggap. Handa akong ipagkaitan ng mundo eh, basta ang alam ko mahal kita “

Gumawa ako ng listahan ng mga ikinakatakot ko eh

i am afraid of many things
i am afraid that this is just a phase and we’ll move on with our lives
i am afraid that i’ll care too much and that you don’t even care
i am afraid to reach the point of exposure to the glowing eyes
i am afraid you’ll resent me after your parents resent me
i am afraid that i’ll resent me
i am afraid of losing you
i am afraid that i wouldn’t get the same amount of love as I do for you
i am afraid that i would lose myself because of you
i am afraid of the number of memories that we will make and on how long will I take to get over them
i afraid that this isn’t realistic enough
i am afraid that there will be nothing left for myself
i am afraid that if everything else fails, i would still love you


At naging totoo nga ang listahan ko, pero hindi ko man lang nasabi sa’yo.

Alam kong naging realistic ka lang. Alam kong mahirap ang ganitong klaseng relasyon kasi hindi ito tanggap ng mundo. Hindi ito ang “ideal relationship” na pinangarap ng mga magulang na’tin para sa’tin. Pero sana sinabi mo na mababaw lang pala ang naramdaman mo para sa akin. Sana sinabi mo na huwag natin ituloy ‘to kasi hindi ka sigurado. Sana sinabi mo agad na gusto mong manatili bilang kaibigan, hindi yung napipilitan at ipinaramdam mo pa sakin na unti-unti ka nang nawawalan ng feelings at ng oras sakin. Alam ko naman eh. Ramdam ko na wala na ka nang nararamdaman sa’kin. Ako pa yung nakipagkita sa’yo para maklaro ang puso’t isipan ko at naklaro nga; sinabi mo na ayaw mo na.

I fixed you. I was there for you. I loved you. Pero anong natira para sa’kin? Ako naman ‘tong nasira.

i realized that this is a trash bin

for the wrong thoughts

the thoughts that must not surface

i am sorry wordpress ahaha